Ashes
by Dead-bY-n0w
Summary: "What was the point of living if he would be so soulless? If being alive would be the same as being dead?" Slightly KaiXHil. Random one-shot. Warning: Death/Suicide. Rated T for Tragedy.


Thank-you's: KaiHil Lover, for supporting this story before it even came out. Love you for everything that you say and do...:)

Pairing: KaiXHillary  
><span>Summary:<span> "A small whisper, a 'Thankyou'; the last word he ever spoke and the last step he ever took and the last breath he ever caught…..was the last time she ever saw him."

Note: Kai and Hillary are the only characters mentioned in this fic, and no-one else.

Ashes

He was here a few minutes ago; she could smell him, she could almost hear his voice, almost taste the air around him, almost feel his stare. A small whisper of a sob came out, and she didn't know what to do, what to say. Her fingers brushed the fabric of his bed-sheets, they were warm and it made her stomach lurch to realize that she could've made it…she could still make it.

_Stop him, Hils, stop him…_

Her right hand was curled around a small piece of paper, and it took all of her will –every ounce of her strength– to keep herself from turning around and running after him. He couldn't have gone far…

But something urged her to stay. She felt the paper tugging at her skin, through her hands, as if pricking into her cuticles. She knew she should go…stop him before it was too late…but….but…

It was wrong. She'd be wrong…She couldn't be so selfish…She just…..

A minute of comprehension passed by but when the decision was made, it was final. A second later, the door slammed shut, the small crumpled piece of paper was left lying on the floor.

_I'm sorry…but I just can't do it anymore._

_Kai._

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

Stupid and cowardly, that's what he was. To take the easy way out, to give up so quickly was never what he was known for. But then again, he'd been putting up with this for his entire life. Love lost, pain gained, lonely nights, lonely days…would it even matter if he survived? He was just another piece of rock in this world, not a mountain; just another drop of water, not an ocean. Wouldn't matter if they're gone; if _he's_ gone. Life goes on.

People have people worth living for, where was his special person? Too young to know his parents, too old to forget their death. Too weak to let go, way too weak to hold on. What was he? He'd waited but he found no answer. No reason to live, no reason to love, no reason to care, no reason to even hate. No reason to try, no reason to hold on, no reason to….nothing. Loneliness was like air, it was always there but never really there. It was all that he was given that couldn't be taken…Loneliness was what he was born with, what he'd grown up with and what he'd die with…

What would never change…

He was strong, but just too weak to admit that he wasn't sometimes. He was weak, but just too strong to admit that he was. Life was a battle he'd lost, battle he'd given up on, the battle he'd never win against. Gone was his best friend, Dranzer, gone was his childhood, gone were his parents, gone were his friends….His hope to win had flown with Dranzer, but like her, it'd never be born again. Ashes, ashes and ashes….fire and ashes was all he saw.

One step closer….Just on the bridge of making it. And he'd lose and he'd _accept_ that he'd lost it. It's not a victory till life has thrashed and thrown him apart, and it was done with doing just that. It was done with cutting him, then burning him, then throwing him around…way past that stage and there was nothing left to loose. He'd died a long time ago, half when his mother was shot and half when his father was stabbed…whole when Dranzer had died. Only a body was left behind to be gotten rid of.

A whisper in the wind and he turned around…and he knew, he just knew it was her.

_Not the time. Wrong time, Hils, wrong time._

He'd hate to do this to her, to himself, but he mustered up all of his courage and smiled at her. He'd lost and she was here to pick him back up again, just like she had done every time…but this time, she won't have to pick him up if there won't be anything left of him to pick up. She couldn't hold him back if there was nothing to hold. She couldn't keep him from taking that one last step…she was just too far away, he knew she won't make it.

But she just stared at him, and he wasn't sure if she wanted to stop him in the first place. Her wet ruby-eyes were glued to his amethysts but her feet were glued to the ground. She wanted to stop him, at the same time she didn't…..So, she just didn't. He saw the apprehension in her eyes. She knew how he felt, betrayed and lonely and hopeless and…. She could see it in his eyes that he'd lost hope, lost the fire she'd see in there, lost everything; fought for so long and so hard, only to lose in the end. She could hug him, and tell him everything she should, but he wouldn't hear. If she said it'll be alright, she'd be lying. He would find some reason to live? Lies…. She would tell him that she loved him, that she could be everything he needed, that she could be his all….but she knew he was in the past, he was in the present, and he will be in the future, everything but whole again. What was the point of living if he would be so soulless? If being alive would be the same as being dead? If every breath would seem like the last and every word would lose its meaning and every emotion would lose its feeling…and everything will be gone but him….She wouldn't want to live like that. She was far too selfish, but not enough to let _him _live that way, too. So she let go…The decision was made and Kai saw the apprehension in Hillary's eyes. Gone was his fake smile, gone was his exterior….

A small whisper of what seemed like a 'Thankyou'; the last word he ever spoke and the last step he ever took and the last breath he ever caught…..was the last time she ever saw him.

Her will crumpled and she fell to the ground, her knees too weak to support her now, her mind too shocked and much too despaired to think, her eyes too wet to see, her body too numb to feel the chill…and so, he'd won his battle. Life couldn't beat you if you give up first…at least not to its fullest. And he was just another mountain that cracked open, another ocean that ran dry, just another friend that died…just another person that fate stabbed with its bloody knife of death. The naked fire had caught him in its realms, and it'd swallow him whole….and he was human, and he won't be born again.

…He… was….human….

She would love someone else, she would find someone whole, think of someone else when she was lost…and she'd learn to touch another fire, the one that didn't burn her fingers. The one that won't swallow her whole from the inside, leave only ashes behind when it dies…

XXXxxxXXXxxxXXX

**AN: Okay, I seriously have no idea how it was. It was just the thought that sometimes, dying is better than trying...lols. I mean, suicide doesn't always have to be stopped, if living really is hell...Not that its any way related to me or anything, it was just a thought...a random thought. And the fic was completely random, too...:) Bah…review everyone…:) :) :) :)**


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